Habemus Papem, ‘Merica
With a new American pope comes new Americana rules
Last week, the world was forever changed after white smoke billowed from the top of the Vatican and it was revealed that the first-ever American pope in history was elected. The conclave, con-gave, if you feel me.
Pope Leo XIV, a Chi-town native, has bestowed his red, white and blue blessings upon Rome, and soon, they’ll spread to the entire world. Hopefully faster than the tariffs 🤞
Surely, the new holy man will bring change, inspired and influenced, of course, by his American heritage. Below are some significant changes that my fellow Catholics and I expect Big Papi God Guy will bring to the Catholic Church.
Amen.
The day after Super Bowl Sunday will become a religious day of obligation; therefore, all Americans can have that day off for religious accommodation.
The mitre, aka the pope tiara, aka the pope’s big cylinder hat, will be replaced with a 2000s New Era Yankees fitted. Square diamond post earrings are optional, but definitely recommended.
The entirety of the Catholic hymns will be replaced with The Temptations’ catalog. How hyped would you be if “Get Ready” played during the processional?
The wine at church will be switched out with Mountain Dew Code Red.
The Eucharist will now be a Nathan’s hot dog, with ketchup and mustard, but French fries are optional.
The Pope’s official wardrobe on high holy days will be this and only this:
I would definitely bow to my sensei 📷: IMDB Dogs will finally be allowed to go to heaven.
Every mass will end with a rousing rendition of “America” by Neil Diamond.
Every current Cardinal will be required, by law, to play one game for the St. Louis Cardinals to get more acclimated to their roles.
Out with the habits and hoods, the nuns are getting a full Americana glamour girl makeover:
📸: Giphy The popemobile will be replaced by a Monster truck. Flips, dips, and tricks will happen, bruh.
Catholic Youth Organization (CYO) basketball teams will sign an exclusive sponsorship deal with Prime Hydration.
In an effort to save on personnel staffing, ChatGPT will replace all priests during confession.
The Apostles’ Creed can only ever be read by Creed the band.
Congratulations again, Robert, on your new title as pope, and I hope you will soon enact all the changes we American Catholics seek. Good luck and God speed!
Deo Confidimus,
