Barbies that Aren't Real but Should Be
Barbies that Aren't Real but Should Be
Here are some Barbie and friends that Mattel should make, but probably won't
Barbara Millicent Roberts is easily the most accomplished woman I know. Barbara has done it all with a career spanning over half a century. From unearthing rare dinosaur fossils to being an MLB franchise player for the New York Yankees - and now, after this weekend, she will be immortalized as a cinematic icon.
I am, of course, talking about America’s - and Mattel’s most beloved doll, Barbie.
In honor of the Barbie movie hitting theaters this weekend, I wanted to share some Barbies that haven’t been made - but should be.
Enjoy my list below, and share any Barbie iteration you would love to see in the comments!
Olivia Benson Barbie
Ready to solve any sexually based offense mystery in under an hour with commercial breaks! Every Olivia Benson Barbie comes with a button on her back with audio clips of her best Benson Clapbacks including these iconic favorites:
”I’d like your balls in a blender but ain’t life a bitch.”
”Who’s the bitch now?”
”You have the right to keep your mouth shut.”
Elliot Stabler Ken has been discontinued on allegations of police brutality.*
Mosh Pit Ken
The first rule of the Pit? Pink hair.
No, not really. Except for Mosh Pit Ken.
No Worries if Not! Barbie
No Worries if Not! Barbie is manifesting a brighter, bolder future.
But finds her people-pleasing attitude seems to get in the way. She can’t ask a favor, be at work or in her personal life without promptly following it up with, “No worries if not!”
Time for daily affirmations.
STONKS Barbie
Sheboss. Bossbabe. Stonk brigade. STONKS Barbie is a woman with a dream, a hustle, and quite a few Instagram lives where she’ll tell you the secrets to make endless cash.*
*She is currently under investigation by the IRS and the SEC.
Tiny House Barbie Dream Home
Inflation has hit America hard - so hard, in fact, that it’s permeated into Dollville, and Barbie just can’t keep up with the staggering costs of her Barbie Dream House mortgage.
With a bucket of fresh pink paint, donating 98% of her wardrobe to charity, and telling Ken to take a hike, Barbie now calls this Tiny House her new dream home.
Now if she could just find some electricity to connect to…
Drunk in the Girls Bathroom Barbie
No night at the club is complete without the formation of an unbreakable bond that a group of over-served women who just met in the women’s restroom can share.
She’ll call you beautiful, she’ll tell you that your man doesn’t deserve you, and pledge her love and loyalty to you forever.
Or at least, until she unfollows you on Instagram the next day.
Chronically Online Barbie
Barbie is a tech girl, living in an analog world, and she is constantly online. And thinks you should be, too. She tweets long diatribes of the injustices of whatever is the hot buzzword that week.
And she’s probably trying to cancel you right now.
Work From Home Barbie
No commute, no problem. Just don’t ask her to stay on late, or to lead a meeting with camera on. Both are a big no.
Incel Ken
Incel Ken hates Barbie. At least, that’s what he tells to his peers on his discord.
Hasbullah Tommy
With the face and body of a four-year-old, and the desire to fight like a 60-year-old former marine, Hasbullah Tommy is the newest sweetheart in the Barbie collection.